


i broke your heart last week.

by beenzino



Series: i just wanna see you in my bed [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bathroom Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Na Jaemin, Character Development, Codependency, Face Slapping, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned NCT 127 Ensemble, NCT 2020, Na Jaemin is a Mess, Na Jaemin-centric, OT23 (NCT), Past Relationship(s), Porn with Feelings, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sad Na Jaemin, Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, They fuck a lot, Top Suh Youngho | Johnny, Toxic Relationship, im sorry na jaemin, johnny sucks, porn tags incoming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 22:14:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30011715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beenzino/pseuds/beenzino
Summary: jaemin dreams, fantasizes and pretends so much he doesn’t even know what’s reality anymore. all he knows is this room and this feeling that’s inescapable.—orjohnny is very, very mean.
Relationships: Na Jaemin/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: i just wanna see you in my bed [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2178507
Comments: 9
Kudos: 43





	i broke your heart last week.

he doesn’t know how long he ignores johnny for, maybe a week, maybe more. 

he busies himself by working and fueling the never ending tasks dawned on him by the fans and his management. he’s carded around like a toy for the better half of a month, all while ignoring the searing pain in his chest everytime johnny comes up in conversation. 

he’s learned, from the past five months, that johnny’s attention is like a drug. and from the second he took the first dose, and when he climbed into johnny’s bed that night, he’s been hooked on it. 

when johnny looks at him, it’s like a whole storm erupts inside his head. dark, angry clouds swirl around, warning him of danger, because johnny is so dangerous and he’s completely enamored with it. addicted to the feeling that johnny gives him, likes he’s simultaneously means the whole world to and nothing to him. 

and after a couple days it gets easier. the day time is so hectic he barely has a spare second to think, constantly doing something to take his mind of the gaping hole in his heart. but the second he closes his door, sinking into the sheets that still smell like him, it all comes back ten times more intense. like johnny is there, one hand around his throat, telling him that if he breathes he dies. 

johnny is his oxygen and jaemin doesn’t realize it until he’s already gone, barely living, holding his breath constantly. its when he lets his mind fill up to the brim with the thought of him that he finally can inhale the poison that johnny gives him. 

jaemin does not expect it to take such a toll on him like it has. and it definitely does not go unnoticed throughout his members, which is just another headache to add to the list of problems he must deal with alone. 

jeno’s eyes have been glued to jaemin for the entirety of dinner, fixating on each bite jaemin takes until he can barely swallow without feeling judged. he hasnt looked up from his bowl of ramyeon since they sat down, and he can feel jeno’s gaze digging into him, like he’s trying to surface whatever answers he’s looking for.

jeno clearly doesn’t care for how uncomfortable he’s making the younger, completely dismissing the fact that he’s watching him eat, while jaemin pushes the nausea down after each bite, trying hard to not throw up from the anxiety of it all. 

jaemin barely finishes his food but he’s lost all of his appetite by the time the noonas start to clear the table. he gets up, emptying the remnants into the sink before trying to make an escape from the dining room as fast as possible. he hears jeno get up, can feel him following him back into the hallway. 

jaemin turns around once he’s in the doorway of his room, facing jeno who’s right in front of him. “can you not-“

“cant we just talk.” jeno pleads, staring at him. his voice aggressive and so out of character, jaemin flinches. 

“no.”

“jaemin..”

“there’s nothing to talk about.” jaemin walks back into his room, not even bothering to block jeno from entering. 

“i just wanna talk, jaemin. i know you’re keeping shit in right now, going through stuff is hard when you have no one to talk to..”

“im not going through anything.” he insists, looking up at jeno. “i don’t know what your talking about.”

jeno sighs, padding over to his bed and sitting at the foot of it. “you don’t trust me?” 

“i do.” jaemin hums, eyes glued to his phone. “and if i had something to tell you i would tell you.”

“then how do you explain johnny-“

“can you please stop.” jaemin mumbles, glaring. he feels his patience has worn thin from these last couple weeks. 

“okay.” jeno throws his hands up, defeated. “okay fine. ill let it go, but please, jaemin. promise me you’ll tell me if something..” he pauses, “..or someone, is hurting you.”

jaemin glances up at him again, biting the inside of his cheek. “mhm.” he nods. “got it.”

he feels jeno’s disappointment flooding the room, and it’s so awkward. the way jeno keeps staring at him while he busies himself by scrolling through Twitter, trying his best to ignore the intense silence. 

“im worried about you jaem.” he finally huffs when he stands up. “you’ve been like, really distant lately.”

“im just tired.” he tells him. “busy too, jeno. you of all people should understand that.”

“i do understand that.” his eyebrows furrow at jaemin. “i don’t understand whatever the fuck you’re hiding behind your back, why you keep bailing out on us to stay home all the time. im just trying to make sure you’re okay?”

“im fine.” jaemin says. “please, stop worrying about me. i get stressed out when i know you’re worrying.”

jeno chuckles, shaking his head. “im stressed worrying about you.” 

“then stop.” he smiles.

“you’re _insufferable._ ” jeno sighs, walking over to the door. 

jaemin watches him exit his room and finally lets himself relax, letting out a sigh of relief.

he’s been pretty much ignoring everyone for weeks now, confining himself to his room and practice, only coming out to eat or when he really has to. he doesn’t even try to seclude himself as much as he does but every time he goes out, he feels like all eyes are on him, constantly. the attention is overwhelming, even if he’s being paranoid. 

it’s exhausting though. 

johnny is always on his mind. but jaemin refuses to be the first one to text, to break the streak they have going on of ignoring each other and their problems like the plague. 

jaemin hates all of it, really. he wants johnny back in his bed like he is in his dreams. 

—-

it’s only a couple weeks later when he breaks. and like most of jaemin’s truly intolerable problems, it starts with donghyuck.

donghyuck proposes this whole thing in their group chat about how the 127 members are planning a night out, and how he has the dorm to himself. he asks them if they want to have a sleepover, and jaemin can’t even say no because all of them are going and he doesn’t want to make a scene, for the sake of jeno of course. 

which is inevitably how he finds himself in Donghyuck’s dorm, standing awkwardly in the living room as he watches chenle help donghyuck build a blanket fort like some toddlers. mark is listing out a bunch of movie suggestions while they do so, and donghyuck is literally saying no to all of them. 

“come on hyuck.” mark whines. “that’s a good one.”

“that’s only because you wanna be peter Parker in your past life, hyung.” donghyuck tells him, stepping over all of the blankets and food on the floor. mark looks up, offended as he chucks the movie to donghyuck, hitting him in the thigh. 

donghyuck laughs and drops his blankets, turning around to jaemin. “jaemin come help me get more pillows since you’re standing there completely useless.” he huffs, grabbing his wrist. 

jaemin groans, but lets donghyuck lead him back into his room, pushing the door open.

“oh?” Donghyuck stops in the doorway, causing jaemin to run into his back. “hyung what are you doing here?”

jaemin’s heart drops when they walk in, johnny looking at them from his closet with wide eyes. his whole world stops for a second when his glance lands on johnny.

“uh, i forgot something so i had to comeback and get it..im leaving though.” he says, his eyes glancing at jaemin for a split second. 

“well hurry up, we’re about to watch something that’s rated ‘no one over the age of fucking twenty three’” he giggles.

“you’re so stupid.” johnny mumbles as he pulls a hoodie over his head. donghyuck hands jaemin some pillows from his bed, grabbing some himself before he walks back out into the living room. 

“hey-“ jaemin moves to follow donghyuck when johnny calls him. “come here for a sec..”

he pauses, then turns on his heels to face johnny who crosses the room to meet him. “how are you, jaemin?”

“im fine.” jaemin stares at the floor.

“you’ve been like, super quiet.” he whispers. “i was starting to think you would never talk to me again.”

“well.” he huffs, trying to turn around again. “i have to go back out there..”

“hey, come on.” johnny grabs his wrist, pulling him back. “i miss you.”

“i don’t really care.” he mumbles.

“don’t lie.” Johnny’s voice drops. “look at me jaemin.” 

jaemin closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in to slow his heartbeat down as he looks up, meeting johnny’s dark (beautiful) eyes.

“i miss you.” johnny repeats, one of his hands brushing a stray hair out of jaemins face. “i don’t like when you ignore me.”

“i don’t like when you treat me like shit.” jaemin tells him, even though he can feel himself leaning into the touch on his cheek.

“im sorry.” johnny hums. “i really am, i know i shouldn’t have said that to you.” his hand drops lower, cupping jaemins jaw to face him. “i love you.”

jaemin’s heart drops again, looking away as johnny leans down to press a kiss to his neck, the contact setting his skin on fire.

and honestly, jaemin is only so strong. johnny will cut him open and kiss his wounds after, telling them that the marks he’s adorned with are beautiful, the ones johnny inflicts in him. jaemin can barely keep up when johnny is like this, when he switches so quickly. from letting jaemin lavish in his scrutiny, to pushing him away like he’s worthless. and maybe that’s why jaemin has learned to indulge in the way johnny treats him. he’ll tear him down so bad, until he’s just a pile of dust on the floor. then build him up, layer after layer, making sure his imprint is fixated in each one, branded into jaemin’s own dna. 

jaemin contemplates the chances of him crumbling down again under the gaze of the older, and it takes every molecule of dignity that johnny has not already taken from him. 

“i need to go back out there before they say something.” jaemin pulls away, turns around and walks out, trying to calm himself down.

Donghyuck looks up at him when he returns to the living room, jaemin sits down next to him on the couch. “what took you so long?”

“sorry.” jaemin says, “Johnny hyung was telling me something.”

“is he tryna sell to you too? i told him it was a bad idea to smuggle weed throughout our members.” Donghyuck shakes his head, stuffing popcorn into his mouth. 

jaemin just lets out a shaky laugh, dividing his attention to the movie as he tries not to think about johnny. 

but there’s not a second that johnny doesn’t flood his thoughts like a disease, always in the back of his mind. he wonders where he is and what he’s doing at all times, too nervous to have a normal conversation and too scared of finding comfort in his presence. it’s like, jaemin doesn’t know how be around johnny without taking his clothes off, upheld to some degraded expectation he creates in his own mind. it’s sick, really. 

half way through the movie, jaemin realizes he’s been completely lost in his day dream, he can’t remember anything that’s happened. his mind too occupied with the thought of johnny pressing him up against a wall and whispering crazy stuff into his ear. there’s a wave of heat that crashes over his body, and he stirs, pulling his legs to his chest to try and keep still.

suddenly he feels his phone buzz from his pocket, and he pulls it out, reading the message. 

-bathroom.

his eyes glaze over as he reads it, and already the nastiest images corrupt his mind, relishing in the ministrations that johnny could possibly want. 

jaemin sucks in a sharp breath, nervousness pooling at the pit of his stomach as he detaches himself from under the blankets. 

“i gotta pee.” he announces, getting up and climbing around everyone on the floor to walk to the bathroom. 

the light is off but the second he pushes the door open, johnny grabs him by the wrist and pulls him in, shutting the door behind him. he turns on the light then, as he has jaemin pressed up against the back of the door. 

“what are you doing.” jaemin looks up at him. “they’re right there-“

johnny cuts him off with his mouth, pressing his lips against jaemin’s with a bruising kiss, it leaves jaemin completely out of breath. he only takes a second to register what’s happening before he opens his mouth, letting johnny push his tongue in. jaemins entire being goes slack against the older in a second, giving into the worries and last bit of sanity as he lets johnny take and take and take. 

johnnys hands are gripping his waist, pulling him closer so that their bodies are pressed up against one another, jaemin feels like his brain is spiraling rapidly, heart beat thumping against his bones when johnny slips his tongue in. 

“johnny.” he gasps when the older pushes his thigh between his legs, keeping him pinned against the door. he basically towers of jaemin when he’s this close, and it makes jaemin’s brain fuzzy, his whole body heating up with want, the need to impress. 

“i need you.” johnny mumbles against his lips, his merciless kisses dropping down to the underside of his jaw as he grinds his hips against jaemin’s. “it’ll be quick, baby. just-just lemme make it up to you.”

jaemin bares his neck to johnny, eyes fluttering open as he pushes his hands through johnnys scalp, pulling at the roots. “okay.” he rushes out, “johnny please, hurry.”

johnny pulls away and tugs jaemin over to the toilet as he sits down on the closed seat, grabbing jaemin by the hips and pulling him onto his lap.

he leans up to kiss jaemin again, biting his lips into his mouth as he rolls his hips up. the friction sends sparks up the back of jaemins spine, and he lets a whine escape his mouth. 

“shh.” johnny hums, “baby-“

“can you..can you take off your pants.” jaemin whines, nuzzling his face into the crook of johnnys neck. 

“hold on.” johnny tells him, lifting jaemin’s hips to reach in between their bodies and unbutton his jeans, pushing them down a bit. his cock his hard in his boxers and the sight makes jaemin’s mouth water. 

“come here.” johnny says, grabbing his hips and aligning them back with his own, their cocks brushing up against eachother through the thin layer of clothes. “does it feel good?” he asks, glossy eyes lifting to stare at jaemin, watching as pleasure emits itself onto his face. 

“mhm.” jaemin hums, grinding down. he’s so desperate, already embarrassingly close and they’ve barely started. “i love it.” he gasps when johnny slides his hands down his back, squeezing his ass. 

“wish i could fuck you.” he mumbles out, eyes focused on where their hips meet each time they grind down. “right here, or in the shower, that’d be fun right?” 

the idea of johnny fucking him up against the shower wall has him whining, long and low. his skin prickling at every place johnny’s fingers press into him, lighting his skin on fire. 

“I’m sleeping over.” jaemin whispers through a shaky breath, another wave of heat coursing through his lower body, he’s so hard in his pants it hurts. 

“yeah?” johnny lifts his head, looking up at jaemin.

“mhm, come into your room tonight, ill be quiet hyung. you can fuck me in your bed and no body will even know, ill be so good.”

“is that right?” johnny hums, lifting his hips again, drilling them into the younger’s. jaemin throws his head back, chills covering his skin as doses of pleasure run through him. “that’s so _dirty,_ baby.”

the sound of johnnys heavy breathing makes jaemins head spin, it’s way too hot in this bathroom and he’s holding on to every bit of self control he has left. “johnny hyung.” he bites back another moan, keeping johnnys head in the crook of his neck. 

“come on,” johnny practically growls in his ear, and it only takes a couple more seconds before jaemin is biting down on the fabric of Johnny’s tshirt, muffling the sounds of his moans while he comes hot in his pants. it’s disgusting really, the way his members are right outside of the bathroom and he’s completely lost in the daze of Johnny’s body. 

he feels johnny come only moments later, when he shoves his hand in his boxers and jerks himself off to completion—eyes focused on jaemins hips. 

“jesus.” he mutters when his body finally goes lax against jaemin, breathing heavy through his nose. “that was-“

“hot.” jaemin supplies him, moving to stand up on shaky legs and get off johnny’s lap. his pants are wet and he feels so gross, but the way johnny looks at him makes up for half of it. 

johnny smiles up at him, gently standing up. he moves his hair out of his face, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “i miss you hyung.” jaemin let’s his eyes drop, pressing his fingers into johnny’s forearm. 

“i know baby, im sorry. you’re so good for me, my good boy, so pretty.” he praises, trailing kisses over his throat. “hurry up, they’re gonna think you died or something.” 

“text me though.” jaemin hums, watching johnny buckle his pants back on. 

“yea.” he says, leaning down to kiss the side of his face before he switches the light off, pushing jaemin out of the bathroom. 

jaemin basically takes the walk of shame back out to the living room, uncomfortable and kind of sweaty as he tries to draw the least amount of attention to himself when he sits down again, pulling the blankets over him. 

he can feel donghyuck staring at him, but he ignores him, eyes glued to the tv, his heart thumping out of his chest. donghyuck nudges him, leaning into the his side. 

“were you jerking off in there?” he whispers, ridicule behind his voice.

jaemin snaps his head towards him, face flaring up in embarrassment. “what? no?” he defends. 

donghyuck stares at him, unconvinced. “you’re nasty, na jaemin.” an evil smile plasters his face as he turns his attention back to the tv. 

“i didn’t jerk off.” he huffs, sinking down into the blankets. 

“it’s okay.” Donghyuck throws his arm around him, seemingly unconvinced. “we all have our faults.”

“fuck you donghyuck.” 

donghyuck just giggles next to him, resting his head against jaemin’s shoulder. 

johnny comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later, walking straight into his room, and only jaemin catches it. but then he walks out with his bag, winter coat on while he makes a beeline for the door. 

“im out.” johnny mumbles, grabbing his wallet off the table. he makes eye contact with jaemin for a second, and jaemin tries his best to hold back a giggle. the older looks back up to mark. “please don’t burn down the dorm, no one goes into my room, and jaemin’s in charge.”

“huh?” Donghyuck sits up. “Im literally the only other one that lives here.” 

“so?” johnny laughs, unlocking the door. “jaemin is mature.” 

jaemin does let out a chuckle, looking up at johnny while he walks out. 

“bye kids.” johnny says before he closes the door behind him, and donghyuck sinks back down into the couch. 

“for your information guys, jaemin is not in charge.” he announces. but jaemin doesn’t even pay attention, too distracted by the pictures johnny just texted him. 

—

the back and fourth makes jaemin want to rip his hair out honestly. he’ll go from texting johnny all day long, talking about his schedules—his life. johnny will listen, sometimes he’ll tell jaemin about his day and that’s when jaemin really lets himself go. let’s himself bask in the fantasy that johnny is interested in him beyond what he offers when they’re alone. 

other days, johnny will ignore him. leave him on delivered for a few hours, sometimes even an entire week will pass before they speak to eachother. he’ll look past him at the company, or go out by himself without telling anyone. and there’s nothing jaemin can do about it, they’re not even dating.

it’s infuriating.

the way johnny acts like nothing is wrong. the way he switches attitudes so quickly gives jaemin fucking whiplash trying to keep up. 

and sometimes he will cry himself to sleep on the nights that johnny answers back with one word. he’s so clearly uninterested and it tears a rip right through the middle of his heart. he’s only ever wanted johnny’s attention and when he can’t even get a text back, he feels utterly useless. 

because johnny has so much control over him even though jaemin doesn’t want to acknowledge it. it’s something he tries to ignore.

even when he gets stares from his roommates, or picks up glances from the other members in practice. or when taeyong pulls him aside after his schedule and asks, “have you been eating jaemin?” he will shrug it off and assure them that’s he fine. even when he can’t remember the last time he ate, or when he can’t get more than three hours of sleep at night. he dismisses his problems and shoves them to some place deep within, so that he won’t have to believe that johnny is destroying him. 

jaemin keeps it all in, letting himself grow deeper and deeper into the hollow of his heart. because johnny treats him so well, and even when he’s ignoring jaemin or being unreasonably distant, jaemin still feels his heart swell whenever johnny’s eyes follow him when he walks in the room, or how he’ll text him something vulgar at the end of dinner. it’s the little things that has jaemin constantly coming back for more, demanding more. 

he can’t help the way he feels sometimes, and he realizes it’s some deep rooted self inflicted hatred that makes him the way he is—always coming back. 

which is how he finds himself whimpering into johnnys mouth at four in the morning. 

“fuck.” johnny huffs, his grip on jaemin’s waist tight and controlled, bruising his finger prints in so hard the marks will last for days. “that’s it, baby, come on.”

jaemin’s thighs are on fire, he’s been riding johnny for the better half of an hour by now. He didn’t even know he could go this many times but johnny insists, telling him he’s doing so well, being so good. he’s completely worn out though, having came so many times he’s lost count. his hole wrecked and he feels so used, but so grateful for johnny’s touch. 

“you should see yourself right now, angel.” johnny comments, digging his blunt nails into jaemins sides. he reaches up and grabs jaemin by the base of his throat, pulling him down to his face. “my little fuck toy, so cute.” 

jaemin moans again, higher than the last as johnny thrusts up. his air supply is short lived as johnny tightens his hand around his throat. he’s sweaty and exhausted and briefly wonders if they’ve woken anyone up yet. 

they’re in johnny’s room after all, which should motivate him to be even more careful than before. but the fact that donghyuck is at his mom’s for the weekend and johnny’s room is at the end of the hallway makes jaemin want to be as loud as possible, letting moan after moan escape his mouth. and johnny doesn’t seem to care at all by the way he encourages jaemin, helping him down on his cock, spurring him on with praise after praise. “mm, you look gorgeous.” 

“feels so good.” he lets out over another breathy groan. johnny keeps throwing his head back against the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut after jaemin sinks down on each thrust, and it’s the hottest thing jaemin has ever seen. “daddy-“ he watches as Johnny’s face lights up at the pet name, smirk crossing his lips when he drags his hands down jaemins rib cage, dusting over both his nipples. 

“mm fuck.” he lifts his knees, placing his feet on the bed for more leverage to thrust up. “how you doing babe.”

“tired.” jaemin winces as johnny shifts his hips, slowing down to just grind against him as he hikes jaemin higher up on his lap. heat spreads throughout his lower stomach and he balances himself, pressing his palms against johnny’s pecs. “im close too.”

johnny completely stops then, grabbing jaemin by the hips and manhandling him on to his back faster than jaemin can even register what’s happening. he grabs both his legs, pressing them to his chest as he slides back in, locking jaemin in with his arms bracketed on each side of his head. “stunning.” johnny mutters, kissing one of jaemin’s knees. “I can’t believe my whore is this fucking pretty, im so lucky.”

jaemin keens at the praise, tightening around johnny to earn another gut-wrenching moan from the older. his head feels light and dopey, fading in and out of consciousnesses each time johnny thrusts in, each time there’s another wave of heat crashing over him, it’s all too much. 

want floods through his body as he spreads his legs again, wrapping them around johnnys hips and trapping their bodies together. the movement sends electricity throughout johnny, its clear on his face. his hips spasm for a second, a moan leaving his mouth as he sits up—and in another instant—sends his palm hard against jaemin’s cheek. 

the impact makes jaemin black out for a second, and honestly, he’s doesn’t know if he can handle how good it feels. but his body takes over, and he lets out the loudest moan he’s ever heard, surprising even himself as he comes untouched over his torso and thighs. johnny watches in awe, enamored by the sight as his own orgasm cuts through him, filling jaemin up for the hundredth time that night. 

jaemins ears are ringing and the second his orgasm is over, he’s hit with so much overstimulation it hurts. he’s already crying, nails dragging down johnnys back. his face stinging as johnny stops thrusting, collapsing onto him as he tries to catch his breath. 

“holy shit.” johnny huffs, and the weight of him pressed against jaemin brings him back to reality, blinking away the last few drops of pleasure as he realizes what just happened. 

“i can’t feel my body.” jaemin giggles, running a hand though johnnys now dark hair. the thin layer of sweat at his roots makes jaemins heart flare up again, but he ignores the butterflies in his stomach as johnny sits up and pulls out. 

“that was incredible. you’re incredible, i can’t-i hope i didn’t hurt you..”

jaemin shakes his head, reaching for johnnys face as his presses a smooth kiss to his lips. “you didnt.” he mumbles. “it felt good.”

“yeah?” johnny asks him, looking for any sign of hesitation or pain behind his eyes. when he finds none, he closes the gap between them, slipping his tongue into jaemins mouth as they lay back down, pulling the younger into his side. 

“seriously though jaem.” he continues when jaemin pulls away to kiss and nip at Johnny’s jaw line. “that was so sexy, i don’t know what came over me but, jesus, ill do that again.”

“please”. jaemin whispers. “it was so hot, i love getting slapped.”

“how come you never told me baby?” johnny smiles, pressing his face in the crook of jaemins neck as he crawls on top of him again. “you like to be thrown around like a fucking doll, slapped and spit on. you’re so much fun, i knew you would be.” 

“i only like it when it’s you, daddy.” jaemin giggles, he’s in a good mood now, relishing in the bubbly praise johnny gives to him. 

“really?” 

“mhm.” jaemin watches with wide eyes as johnny grabs his hand, pressing kisses over his knuckles as he stares at jaemin. “know what i love?”

jaemin smiles at him, “What?”

“when you call me that.” he whispers, kissing jaemins ear lobe, digging his head into the crook of his neck, his other hand wrapping around jaemins waist to pull him in closer.

“i know you do.” 

“mmmh.” johnny kisses down his throat and over his cheek, pressing his lips against warm skin. “i love it so much, when you get all whiney and cute, calling me daddy, you’re so adorable.” 

jaemin pushes his ass out into the grip from Johnny’s hand, his palm covering almost his the entire expanse of it. johnny keeps him close, running his hands all over jaemins back, down to palm at his ass as jaemin whines into his mouth again. he kisses him softly, letting johnny’s body heat take over him, his eyes falling shut

and then it dawns on him, the impact of their ministrations and how utterly wrong it is. not just because he’s fucking his hyung, his band mate. but, he’s destroying himself while doing so, and for once, jaemin needs to be selfish in other ways. 

“are we ever gonna talk about it?” he whispers after a few minutes of silence. his head is tucked under Johnny’s chin, dancing his fingers down the older’s chest and torso, running over each ab and crevasse until he watches the goosebumps form. 

“talk about what?” johnny asks, quirking an eyebrow to him. 

“this.” 

“what’s there to talk about?”

“i don’t know.” jaemin sighs, he feels like he’s walking on glass every time he tries to express his feelings to johnny. because johnny talks down to him and doesn’t even try to, he’s so intimidating. “would we ever tell anyone?”

“it’s no one’s business, jaem.” johnny blinks at him, the veins in his neck tensing. 

“but what if i want to tell them?” 

“why would you want to do that?” 

jaemin pauses, taking in a deep breath. “i just feel like im lying to everyone.” he looks up at johnny, “like im keeping stuff away from them and it doesn’t feel very good.”

“baby, you know there’s a difference between work and private life. you have no obligation to tell anyone what you do in your free time, it’s not affecting them.”

“yes it is.” jaemin’s voice breaks. “it’s literally affecting everyone.”

“we can’t tell them.” johnny hums. “it’s just not a good idea, at all.” 

jaemin sinks under the covers further, defeated. johnny makes him feel like shit when he shuts him down so fast, completely dismissing his emotions. he doesn’t even know why he bothers at this point, and some sick part of him deep down, tells himself that he should accept his circumstances. that he will only exist inside the four walls of johnnys room, and outside he is simply _nothing_ to him. 

“jaem.” johnny whispers, nuzzling at the base of his neck. “jaemin, baby.”

“hmm.” 

“it’s late.” he mumbles, pressing a kiss against the skin of his ear. his chest pressed up against the side of jaemins body, hands running up and down his leg, grazing over the inside of his thigh where the new marks are blooming—dark and red and beautiful. 

“i know. gimme a sec.” jaemin tells him. “im cold.”

“ill let you wear one of my hoodies.” he can feel johnny smiling against his skin, and it spreads goosebumps down his spine. “come on angel, ill walk you out.” he sits up, detaching himself from jaemins heated body. the loss of warmth hits jaemin like a truck, and his misery only worsens when he tries to sit up.

“how generous.” jaemin mumbles as he struggles to get up, his muscles protesting and he understands why they usually do this at his dorm instead.

“here.” johnny stands in front of him, handing him a big brown hoodie that’s probably three sizes too big for jaemin. “it’s my best one.”

“thanks.” he grabs it, pulling it over his head. johnny watches him, reaching his hand out to help him stand. 

“can you even walk?” johnny chuckles as he watches jaemin struggle to stand properly. 

“barely.” he says, pulling his pants back. “im gonna be so sore tomorrow, I hate you.”

“that’s interesting babe.” johnny laughs. “you’re not a very good liar.” 

“kiss my ass.” 

“gladly.” johnny smiles, pressing another kiss to jaemin’s mouth as he grabs his hand, intertwining them together. 

jaemin leans into his side while they walk out of johnnys room quietly, his bag hanging off his shoulder. he literally is dreading the second johnny will pull away from him, grasping on to the last fleeting moments of warmth he has while johnny’s hands hold his waist. 

they reach the door and johnny turns him around to face him, cupping his jaw with his hands. “you’re so perfect, you know that?” he whispers. “and you look cute as fuck in my hoodie.” he adds.

“love you.” jaemin mumbles, a soft sound escaping his mouth when johnny presses his lips on to his. it’s warm, and slow just like jaemin wants, wrapping his hands around johnny’s waist to keep their chests close. 

“i love you.” the older says against his lips. “be careful on your way back okay? text me when you get there.”

“mhm.” 

johnny presses one last kiss to his mouth and another to his cheek before he steps away, unlocking the door for jaemin and letting him out. 

“you’re never getting this back, by the way hyung.” jaemin says as he walks out and looks back at johnny. the older has his arm resting on the side of the door, looking at jaemin with stars in his eyes as he laughs. 

the hoodie couldn’t have kept him warm like Johnnys body though, and jaemin feels the uneasy pit in his stomach rise the second he gets back home. repeating another step in the vicious cycle he and johnny have manifested. 

—

johnny wakes with a headache that almost sends him into panic if he wasnt consciously aware of how much sleep he’s been getting. the thumping in his brain a not-so subtle reminder of the horrible schedule he’s been on, and it makes him stressed just thinking about it. 

the light coming from the windows hurts his eyes, his sight blurry from sleep and exhaustion at the same time. his whole body aches, back sore, muscles tight. he needs some fucking water. 

the second he registers what time it is, the sounds from outside hit him. it’s way louder than normal, and he realizes there’s probably a lot more people in his dorm that don’t belong here. and the memories from last night flood his mind as he looks at himself in the mirror, inspecting the damage. there’s scratch marks running down the expanse of his spine, red and irritated. his neck and chest are covered in dark purple bruises, bite marks that contrast against the olive tone of his skin. johnny cracks a smile, running his fingers over the marks, pressing into them. his hands ache for jaemin. 

his speculations are proved right when he stumbles out of his room, groggy and tired. taeyong is in the kitchen with doyoung who’s obviously cooking something by the smell. johnny notices the rest of his members sitting at the dining table, already eating and making a whole lot of noise. 

“good morning.” he mumbles to taeyong, reaching around him to grab a mug from the cabinet. 

“hey.” the younger smiles at him. “you look awful..” he deadpans at johnny, staring at his appearance without remorse.

“thanks, I got like three hours of sleep. and jungwoo is so loud.”

“i told them to be quiet.” doyoung cuts in, turning the stove off. “they never listen to me though.” 

johnny pours himself a cup of black coffee as he makes his way to the table, sitting at an empty seat next to jaehyun. taeyong comes over a few moments later, placing the final food items on the table as he sits down. 

he doesn’t pay attention much to the conversation, too busy sipping at his coffee to dull the pounding headache behind his skull. it’s helping a bit, and the warmth from the liquid calms his muscles so much, he’s completely unaware of how silent the table gets when he sets his mug down. 

he glances up, eyes connecting with taeyong when he realizes everyone is staring at him. “what?” he looks around, confused.

“um.” taeyong lets out, but before he can say anything else, jaehyun cuts him off. 

“have fun last night bro?” 

johnny’s heart literally drops to his stomach as he stares, wide eyed and nervous at Jaehyun. “huh?”

“im pretty sure like, the whole floor heard you.” he chuckles, shaking his head and picking up another bite of food.

“jaehyun, we agreed we’d be civil.” taeyong huffs. 

“wait im lost.” johnny sits back. 

“johnny hyung.” mark begins. “i realize we have extremely, invested, jobs. and we all need a little privacy. but, hyung we live together. and uh,”

“oh my god.” johnny pushes his head in his hair, pulling on the roots as if to try and escape the room. he wants to be swallowed from existence. 

“okay,” Taeyong shushes the younger. “I’m trying to be as respectful as possible here, we get it, hyung. seriously, it’s just that. it was a little loud..”

“a little?” yuta giggles. “i heard his girl from my room, all night until like three in the morning. i didn’t think you had it in you hyung, honestly.” he laughs again, and taeyong hits him on the arm. 

johnny stares at him, utterly speechless. he doesn’t know if he should be horrified or relieved at the fact that yuta thinks jaemin was a _girl._

“we just need to establish some boundaries, that’s all.” taeyong smiles at johnny. “im just glad donghyuck wasn’t here.”

“i was FaceTiming him.” mark says, reaching across johnny for the bacon. “he heard it all.”

“im gonna die.” johnny huffs, sinking his face into his arms on the table. 

“it’s fine.” taeyong assures him again. “and all of you, stop embarrassing him. im sure you guys have hooked up in the dorm before too..”

“yea but at least we try to be respectful of others.” jaehyun says. “i mean for real bro, she was reaching new octaves, like is she even okay? did you kill her?” yuta bursts out laughing again and johnny glares at jaehyun. 

“can you stop talking.” johnny goes to stand up from the table. “literally jaehyun how the fuck old are you?”

“oh come on man.” jaehyun looks up at him. “was she at least hot?”

“that’s enough.” taeyong huffs. “this is already awkward enough.”

“how do you even know it was a girl.” someone mumbles, and johnny’s head snaps to jungwoo who’s smirking up at him already. 

“what?” jaehyun laughs. 

“could be anyone right?” jungwoo winks at johnny and he feels like he’s gonna throw up, a wave of uneasiness coursing through him as the rest of the table sits silently, confused.

“im gonna go.” johnny mumbles, grabbing his plate of food of the table. 

“wait johnny.” taeyong sighs, directing his glare to the members. “seriously.” he deadpans. “i told you to be nice.”

“he’ll live.” doyoung says from beside him. “it’s not anyone’s fault but his.”

johnny pretends he doesn’t hear it as he storms back into his room, breakfast in one hand, the other slamming his door shut so hard the whole dorm shakes. he’s completely humiliated, heart racing as he plays the scene over and over again in his mind. 

this whole thing has seemed to gotten a bit out of control, like johnny doesn’t even realize what’s he doing until he’s already done it. his actions don’t seep in until he’s replaying everything he’s done, unpacking each moment after he finally comes back to reality.

he sits on his bed, his head is spinning, overwhelmed with the idea that jungwoo knows something he shouldn’t, or the fact that yuta must’ve forgotten what happened at the restaurant that one day. his thoughts spiral around the idea that he’s gotten so careless, recklessness taking over his body every time he’s around jaemin. it’s so exhausting.

because what if jaemin isnt aware of this, of how much effect he really has on the older. sometimes johnny isn’t even thinking when he’s with jaemin, all he does is feel. feel the way jaemin makes his heart race, the way he feels the magnetic pull of opposite poles inside their hearts, like johnny’s only purpose in life is to be in jaemin’s bed. 

the realization hits him so intensely, his vision is blurred for a second. his fingers digging into the flesh of his forearm as he lets himself get lost in the fantasy of jaemin. of what it would be like to hold him, claim him. to be with jaemin in a way he knows is impossible, but the feeling is still there nonetheless. 

he remembers telling jaemin that humans crave for things that are reasonably wrong. their biology genetically engineered to be attracted to sin. and johnny realizes he’s the biggest sinner of them all. 

it takes all but an hour for him to manage to get out of bed, throwing on some clothes and texting jaemin to meet him before practice. “it’s urgent.” he had texted. 

and the feeling in his heart when he lays eyes on jaemin, when they’re outside of a random room in the back, secluded from everyone else. his eyes gloss over when jaemin catches his glance, a smile peaking over the corners of his mouth as he walks up to him. 

“hi.” jaemin says. “is everything okay? that text made me kinda nervous.” 

the urgency behind his voice is enough for johnny to swallow the guilt he feels. he sighs with little composure left, and tugs jaemin closer so he can whisper. “we made a mistake.” 

there’s a pause, and johnny hears the hitch in jaemins breath. “what?”

“i cant do it anymore.” he says, his voice cracking at the end. “Last night? that was so fucking stupid, jaemin. they heard you, and they gave me this whole lecture this morning. it was humiliating.”

“they knew it was me?” jaemin asks.

“no.” he mumbles. “i don’t know, maybe.”

painfully tense silence takes over them, jaemin staring at the floor, not knowing what to say. and when johnny finally looks up, he can see the tears already running down the younger’s face. 

anyone with eyes could see the extent of just how fucked up their relationship has become. thriving off of lying and codependency. and johnny is cold and cruel to jaemin, showering him in heartless love that jaemin has learned to thirst for. 

“jaem, im sorry.” he sighs. “this is so stupid, i shouldnt, i shouldve known better. im older, I’m supposed to be smarter and not put you in these kinds of situations, im sorry.” he reaches in front of him to grab jaemin’s wrist. “we just need to calm down for a minute, we’re getting too comfortable-“

“too comfortable?” jaemin lifts his head, glaring at johnny. “you’ve literally put me through hell and back just to say we’re too comfortable, when going back to your room was your idea in the first place?”

“jaemin.”

“you need to make up your fucking mind.” jaemin yanks his wrist back. “because this whole ‘you love me, you love me not’ shit is really killing me, johnny.” 

and if johnny didn’t feel like dying before, he sure feels it now. the way his heart literally breaks right there, and how he begs to anyone, whoever is in the sky watching him, to let him just tell jaemin already. to let them be. 

“i know.” johnny sighs. “i know, im sorry. i didn’t think it would get like this.”

“what did you expect?” jaemin asks, wiping away the tears that falls. “our entire lives are complicated and you weaving your way into my fucking heart made it ten times worse.” 

oh, johnny is so screwed. he should’ve known the second jaemin started looking at him like he held the entire planet in his hands, that they would be so much worse. some selfish part in him learned to crave the way jaemins eyes followed him in every room. the way they had this unspoken little game of push and pull. except, johnny was always pulling, and jaemin was pushing him over the edge. 

“i didn’t think i would-“ He pauses, taking a deep breath in. “i didn’t expect us to get to so familiar, for this to become so normal.”

jaemin looks at him through red, teary eyes. johnny knows he’s so strong, and to think that he’s the reason jaemin has been breaking is truly something he cannot live with. he reaches out, thumbing away one of his tears. 

“im sorry if you were under the impression that we would have something more, jaemin.” he whispers, can feel the way jaemin retreats from his touch, his tears spilling out harder. “it’s my fault, i shouldve established that.”

“you’re a fucking asshole.” jaemin breathes deeply through his nose, trying to stop himself from yelling. 

“im sorry.” johnny says again. “i don’t know how to make it up to you, i don’t know what you want me to do..”

“i want you to stop being such a coward hyung.” he says. “you live in constant fear, trying to make everyone happy. why won’t you let yourself be happy?”

“i am.” he lies. 

“no, you were telling yourself you were, by trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. you were happy with me.” he mumbles. “me, johnny.” 

johnny stays silent, watching as jaemin’s face contorts from anger to sadness again. “you care about everyone but me.” he whispers.

“that’s not true.” johnny tells him. “jaemin, you can’t possibly think that’s what im doing.”

“it feels like it.” 

johnny wishes the ground would open up and swallow both of them, so that maybe they could exist together in some weird alternate reality below the crust of the earth. where johnny could love him freely and make him happy and worship him like he deserves, like jaemin dreams of. 

and johnny wishes he could he tell jaemin this, that if their circumstances were different he would walk to the ends of the universe to be with him. but for now, the universe is confined of their bedrooms and doesn’t dare pour into anything else. and johnny knows that won’t change ever. 

“i can’t give you what you want.” johnny whispers. “and for that, i don’t know how to express how sorry i am.”

“i don’t-“ jaemin stops himself, biting the inside of cheek. he lowers his voice, “i don’t want anything else.” 

but jaemin thinks that johnny is everything and that is so untrue. johnny is simply so selfish he couldn’t possible let jaemin down like that, to unveil to him his true self, that he’s almost nothing at all. he’s a small spec in jaemins life, and the younger puts him on such a high position, as if he deserved to be there in the first place. 

“im not sure i can give you even that.” he whispers. 

“you’re so selfish, hyung.” jaemin tells him, disappointment seeping through his words, and each one extracts a bigger piece out of Johnny’s heart. 

“you don’t even know what you’re saying, jaemin.” he takes in another breath, locking eyes with the younger. “you don’t know how much this hurts _me.”_

“because it’s always been about you, johnny. about what you want, what you need. how you feel and how you want things to be. you pride yourself off of being a giver and caring, and yet, you treat me like some side story, like im nothing. like i don’t even exist outside of your bed, it’s terrible. you’re so blind.” he pauses, watching the hurt cover johnny’s face. “you don’t even see that the pain you inflict on yourself, you do to me first.” 

“then why would you even come back?” johnny remarks, accusation behind his tone in such a condescending way that jaemin closes his mouth. 

and that, that takes something more out of jaemin. and johnny can see it by the way he steps back, blinking away hot tears that run down the side of his cheek, dripping on to his shirt. jaemin has never been accused in his life and johnny has just placed the weight of the blame on his shoulders, so heavy he might collapse. and he knows johnny will not help him back up. 

“because.” jaemin whispers. “cuz i love you.” he says it so quietly, the words johnny was dreading to hear. 

“you don’t.” johnny tells him. 

and jaemin wonders when his feelings for johnny ever escalated beyond the point of return, in which jaemin started to love more than anything. and it is something that harvests itself so deeply in jaemin that he’s not sure if he can live without it, the feeling of wholeness, the johnny shaped hole in his heart presents itself whenever johnny is absent. 

“believe what you want johnny.” he mumbles, making an attempt to turn away from him. but johnny is faster, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him back. 

“i don’t doubt that you have feelings for me, if it’s any consolation of what I’ve been feeling for you.” he starts, the grip on his wrist branding his touch into jaemin, as if to tell him to remember it, remember what if feels like. “i just don’t understand why you can’t grasp the point I’m trying to make.”

“because it’s ridiculous.” jaemin says. “if everyone else can have their lovers, why can’t I.”

“they’re not us though.” he tries. “it’s different for us..”

“you’re making it different for no reason.” 

“i have no choice.” johnny says, his voice breaks at the end and it takes everything in jaemin to remember why he’s mad in the first place, he wants to reach out and hold him. to fix everything with a kiss like he dreams about all the time. 

“it’s you or my job.” johnny whispers again, drilling it into jaemins mind as if to never let him forget. never let him pretend that they are okay. 

“no it’s not.” 

“yes, jaemin. it is.” his eyes furrowing, veins popping out of the side of his neck. 

“fine.” jaemin tuts, even though his heart is burning, searing with rage and hurt. “then stop begging for me when everyone else leaves you again.” he watches as the words leave his mouth, the way johnny straightens up, caught off guard by his harshness. but jaemin is already on his way back, turning around and leaving johnny. his heart is racing and his feet carry him right out of the door, tears slipping past his eyes. 

—

the feeling that emits itself when jaemin leaves is something he never wants to truly experience ever again. he’s overwhelmed with emotions, like the dam he’s built up around his heart for so long has finally broke, letting out everyone he’s kept in. it’s disgusting, his soul feels empty.

he’s shut everyone out for the past few months, ignoring his friends in favor of keeping a nasty secret that has taken everything out of him. his dignity, his self esteem, his ability to love.

because johnny was gentle and harsh and jaemin had never expected him to fall so quickly. he kissed johnny and fell, and even though he knew he was falling, drifting into the inevitable heartbreak, he still chose it. he chose johnny and he would choose johnny over anything and everything. die for him, give up his life just to be able to hold the older between his arms. 

jaemin texts his manager that’s he’s sick and to tell his members he won’t make it today, and goes home. fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he unlocks his door, trying to wipe them away. when he expects an empty dorm, he’s met with someone in his kitchen.

“jaemin?” ten turns around, staring at him.

and jaemin, he’s so far gone he doesn’t even realize it. surprise catching him off guard as he digs the heel of his hand in his eyes. he freezes when ten comes into focus. “what are you doing here?” he stutters.

“i had to drop something off for renjun later, and then i got hungry.” he chuckles, but the tension in the air is so thick, his face plastered with worry as he sets his plate down. “are you crying?” he whispers.

jaemin can feel another wave of sadness erupt in his chest, his throat tight as he forces it down, trying to suppress the urge to cry again. but when he blinks, another tear falls, and he stares wide eyed at ten as ten stares right back at him.

“hey.” the older whispers, coming around the counter and stepping in front of jaemin. “what happened?” 

“i can’t-“ His voice breaks off and is replaced with a sob rippling through him, his words caught at the back of his mouth while he drops his head. “i can’t tell you.”

ten looks so worried, his hand reaching up to brush the hair out of jaemins eyes, searching for anything in his expression. “jaem.” he coos. “come here.” 

and that’s all it takes for jaemin to let go, when ten pulls him into his chest and wraps his arms around his shoulders. his hyung is not known for his affection but the touch he supplies jaemin is something he is forever grateful for. and he lets himself relax against the older for the first time in months, crying everything out to ten.

he cries for so long, by the time he’s calming down ten’s shirt is soaked. the older runs his fingers through his hair the whole time, telling him to let it out, reminding him to breathe. 

“hyung.” jaemin whimpers out, and ten pulls away, holding jaemins face between his fingers. 

“tell me.” ten hums. “you’re seriously worrying me jaemin. please tell me what happened.” 

jaemin doesn’t even need to contemplate it, he’s so exhausted already he has no choice but to tell the older. and so he wipes his tears and asks him if they can sit down, and ten grabs his wrist and leads him back to jaemins room. he gets under the covers and pulls jaemin into his side, his hand on the back of his nape, encouraging him to speak. 

and jaemin tells him.

he tells the older that he has been hooking up with someone for half the year. he tells him that it’s a boy, and that’s he’s fallen in love. and that the boy does not love him back, and how he is filled with so much sadness that he wants to get rid of it in anyway possible, even if it means risking his career. 

and ten listens, he tenses up after each sentence but he listens and he does not judge jaemin for any of the decisions he’s made, even if they were beyond stupid. 

“jaemin.” the older whispers. “i don’t think it’s a mistake, you are allowed to love who you want babe.”

“just not him.” jaemin replies, his head on tens chest, listening to the older’s heart beat.

“why not?”

“because.” he whispers. “he has his own life and his own dreams that don’t involve me, and i don’t know how to accept that.”

“but he loves you doesn’t he?” ten asks.

“he says he does.” jaemin feels tens hand in his hair and he lets his eyes drop, tears filling them once again. “but he’s very good at lying to me.” 

“why haven’t you told anyone about this? maybe not, about him. but you haven’t been taking care of yourself at all jaem, it shows.”

“he told me that I was stupid for wanting to say something..to anyone. i didn’t want to disappoint him but..but he treats me like im a secret. like he’s ashamed of me.”

“im sure that’s not the case. he’s probably scared.” ten hums. “it’s a scary thing, jaemin. falling in love, especially in this life.”

“it’s scarier not being able to show it.” jaemin says. “being alone is way worse.”

“you shouldn’t feel like you’re alone-“

“but i am.” jaemin sits up, looks at ten like he’s begging for someone to end it , to relieve him of all the damage johnny has caused. 

“i pushed everyone away. and-and now i have no one, and i don’t even have him, and it’s like i don’t even know who i am anymore. i risked my whole career to be with him, and now he’s throwing me away like trash.” jaemin breathes out, more tears falling and landing on tens knee. 

“jaemin.” he whispers, sitting up and facing him. “calm down.” he grabs a hold on jaemins hand and holds it against his thigh. “you haven’t lost everyone. we’re all here for you, why would you think that?”

“jeno is mad at me.” jaemin whispers. “he knows im keeping something from him, and the others—i can tell they’re worrying about me and i feel _awful._ ” 

“you need to tell him this.” ten strokes the side of his face. “you can’t-“ He pauses, letting out another deep sigh. “-you can’t keep this all in.”

jaemin struggles to believe johnny loves him, or that he is deserving of his love. it’s unlikely that jaemin would ever believe such a thing because Johnny’s love is so scarce, so sacred and he knows the older will not give it to just anyone. even after all the things johnny has done for him, has done to him. he is still in denial, unworthy of such a being like johnny. 

“he doesn’t want to talk to me.” jaemin says, ridding his eyes of the tears. “he probably hates me.”

“no he doesn’t.” the older leans forward, tilting jaemins chin up to look at him. “listen to me. this life is so hard, and even though you chose it, you are not expected to be perfect. you are human, jaemin. and he needs to understand that, that he hurt you and that he’s putting too much on you. you have to tell him how you feel.” 

except he pushes ten’s advice to the back of his head like everything else, in favor of dwelling on his mistakes and self pity. ten leaves him after many hours of crying, after he’s reduced down to a sniffling lump in the blankets. ten finally gets up after he’s ignored for an hour, after asking over and over again if jaemin is okay. and so he leaves the younger a bowl of soup on his end table and turns the lights off, abandoning jaemin in the dark.

as it turns out, jaemin is not as strong as he is perceived. he does not leave his room for the whole night, even going into the next day. he doesn’t even leave his bed. the disgust that appears every time he he looks at himself in the mirror is enough to erupt another wave of hatred against himself. he locks himself in his room and cries, ignoring the guilt he feels when someone knocks on his door, or when ten and taeyong flood his phone with texts. he tells them all that he is not feeling very good, works himself up so much, his body entertains the beginnings of a fever by the end of the day. and when he lets his mind wander back into the whereabouts of johnny, he cries a little bit harder.

his emotions have never been this out of control before and he’s hesitant to acknowledge how wrecked his mental health has been lately. and jaemin knows it’s unnecessary, his feelings unjustified and over the top because johnny is probably fine. he’s probably been working, eating, living like normal. and jaemin just had to go and fall for a man that probably gives two shits about him, and he knows it, because johnny has told him. 

which is why he hates himself as much as he does. because he’s supposed to be fine and he’s not, and he doesn’t know when or how he will ever be fine. 

—

johnny thinks he worked hard for the life he has, he knows it, actually. because not a lot of people get to do what they love and get paid for it. and although he comes home most nights, exhausted and so weak he feels like he might collapse, he knows this is the life he chose, this is the one he worked for. 

and the way he feels towards jaemin is something he never planned for. it wasn’t written in his life like he had for almost everything else. he knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted to get it, and jaemin had walked in and destroyed it like it meant nothing. 

all of a sudden he was flooding johnny’s thoughts. jaemin was on his mind when his work was not. he didn’t imagine, could never expect the sheer importance that he put jaemin at, the way he wanted to put jaemin first over anything, anyone else. he wanted to show jaemin that he recognized his worth, that johnny _wanted_ to give—give and give and not let jaemin out of his arms. 

and maybe it was because he had not fallen in love since high school. since a school girl crush back in the states, when he had to leave her to follow his own dreams. when he thinks about it for too long he gets dizzy, guilty with the idea that he has put himself first far too many times and jaemin was no exception. that maybe for once, he could put his career and the greed to please aside, the fucked up idea of perfection he’s contained since he was sixteen. and maybe if he let himself _live_ for more than a couple hours he has in the dark, when jaemin is all over and everywhere, when he’s kissing him and when he shows johnny what touch is—when he lets johnny _feel_ for the first time. 

johnny wishes he could reciprocate like he knows jaemin craves for. he wishes he could tell the world, show them all how good the younger is for him, how much he loves him. 

he’s so cruel to himself some times. he tries to shut off his mind when jaemin lingers there for too long, when an entire day has passed without him talking to anyone but the voice in his head that calls for jaemin, yearns for his presence again. his cruelty presents itself when jaemin comes to practice with dark circles under his eyes, when there’s tear stains on his cheeks and when he ignores everyone around him. johnny can see the consequences of his actions branded on jaemins face, a reminder of how bad he’s burnt the younger. 

he broke that girls heart when he left for Korea all those years back. and the way her eyes looked and the stains on her cheeks are far too familiar to him, resonating in the back of his mind when he looks at jaemin. he has broken his heart too, and for that, he cannot live with himself. 

—-

johnny is just about to fall asleep when he gets a text from his manager, telling him there’s someone at the door and he doesn’t want to answer it. and of course, johnny has to, since taeyong has been sleeping for hours now and Donghyuck’s in the shower. johnny told the brat to order the “no contact delivery” so they wouldn’t have this problem. 

he stumbles out of bed and down the hall, groaning and mumbling curses under his breath as his knees crack. when he opens the door, he blinks, taken off guard as jaemin stares at him through wide, teary and red eyes. 

johnny looks back before he steps out into the hallway, closing the door behind him. he takes in jaemins form, the younger looks smaller, drowning in a coat way too big for him. his eyes and nose are red, like he’s been crying for days, and johnny doesn’t think that’s far off from the truth.

“jaemin?” he whispers, jaemin staring at the floor and when johnny looks closer, he can see him shaking. 

“im sorry, i know i shouldn’t be here.” jaemins voice cuts through the silence after a few minutes. “i-i just don’t know where to go anymore..” he whimpers out, a sob ripping through his chest. 

johnny can feel his skin heat up, urgency taking over him as he grabs jaemin’s wrist and leads him into his dorm. jaemin doesn’t say anything when the older pulls him into the spare room. johnny locks the door being him and turns around, facing jaemin and taking a deep breath in. 

“what do you mean?” he asks quietly. 

and the way jaemin stares at him is the realest thing johnny has ever felt before. he can see everything, see right through him, straight to the darkest side of him. 

“i thought i should say this in person instead of over text.” jaemin brings a hand up to his face to rub away a tear that falls, and for a second, johnny’s mind supplies the thought of his own hand replacing it, thumbing away the tears like he wants to. “that way you can’t ignore me..”

“jaem.” johnny sighs. “i wouldnt ignore you-“

“im sorry, johnny.” 

then it’s quiet again. the sound of jaemin taking in another shaky breath, so quiet johnny can hear the blood pump through him. 

“you can be so mean, sometimes.” jaemin scoffs, looking away. there’s a wicked smile plastered on him and another tear drops from his face, sliding down to the hollow of his collarbone. “and, so can i.”

johnny is torn between walking out or pulling jaemin into his arms. he falters, expecting jaemin to say something else that will tear another piece out of his heart. 

“i couldn’t understand why you didn’t want me, hyung. like, why you wouldn’t risk the same things that i would risk for you.” his voice breaks again when he stares up at johnny, and all johnny can do is sit there, paralyzed and glued to the back of the door, taking in everything jaemin tells him.

“i don’t know.” he sighs. “i told myself that you were in it for one thing.”

“that’s not true.” johnny rushes out, like he’s being strangled by every word jaemin speaks. 

the younger swallows, head dizzy from crying so much. he hates confrontation and expressing his feelings and the way johnny listens so intently is somehow much worse. it would be better if they could just scream at eachother. 

but johnny is not like that. he’s in control of his emotions, and unlike jaemin, he is strong. strong in the way he can keep his composure, even when jaemin makes his life way harder than ever intended. 

“i think i went into this without thinking much about the consequences because i wanted you so bad.” he whispers. “and im sorry that I put our careers in danger because of it.”

“jaemin.” johnny reaches for his hand, pulling him a step closer. “it’s not your fault. i regret lashing out on you the way i did, and forcing you into something you weren’t completely ready for, something that you didn’t understand fully.” 

part of jaemin wants to keep fighting with him, and the other part is exhausted, weakened from the back and fourth of it all. he’s deprived of Johnny’s love and he aches for it again, putting his pride to the back burner for a spare second of johnnys attention. 

“this escalated very quickly and in the end, we both got hurt. it’s not worth it.” he frowns. 

“i just wanted to make you see me.” jaemin whispers, even quieter than before. “i wanted you to love me the way you did in our rooms all the time.” 

“you don’t know how badly i want to do that.” johnny leans down, presses his forehead against jaemin’s to look him in the eye. “our lives would be over before they even started.”

“i know.” 

“we don’t have to tell them to be together.”

“we don’t have to hide it from them either.” jaemin flicks his eyes from Johnny’s to his lips, glancing back up. “and we, we don’t have to be open about it hyung, but i can’t just blatantly lie to my friends.”

johnny pulls back, looking off to the side. away from jaemin. “im sorry, darling.” he rasps. “what would they even think. taeyong would kill us.”

“ten said you shouldn’t be ashamed of me.” jaemin whispers, and the sentence alone sends arrows through johnny’s chest. 

“ten? you told ten?” johnny pulls his hand away. 

“no, no hyung. i didn’t tell him _who,_ but I was breaking down and it just, it just all came out. i didn’t tell him who, he doesn’t know it’s you hyung.” 

relief crashes over johnny like a tidal wave, seeping out his veins as his heart rate slows again. he looks at jaemin, surrendering under the younger’s touch as he steps forward. 

“okay.” he assures. “that’s, that’s okay. im sorry. and im not ashamed of you, i would never be. i _wish_ i could give you what you deserve, i really do.” 

“i don’t deserve anything hyung.” jaemin takes in all of the older’s features and feels the same flutter in his stomach that he did on the night johnny held him. “i don’t even deserve you.”

“no, it’s the other way around.” johnny pushes a hair out of jaemins face. “you were perfect before i came in. fuck, you still are. but i can see it, and i know the others can too. you’re so..hurt.”

jaemin nods weakly, dropping his head as johnny’s hand comes to rest on his jaw, cupping his face.

“and if i could promise you that i won’t ever do that again i would.” johnny continues. “but i think i would just be telling you another lie.”

“i don’t care.” jaemin let’s his eyes drop, leaning into johnny’s suffocating touch. “i love you, and I don’t care how much it takes from me.”

johnny’s hand drops down to his throat, pressing into the pulse there, letting it remind himself of the living masterpiece that is in front of him, the most flawed work of art. 

“i think you might be the death of me.” johnny hums. eyes fixed on the way jaemins pulse slows and speeds up after each breath. 

“please.” jaemin begs, eyes following his gaze. “ill let you in, hyung. i already decided that a long time ago. this is it for me.”

“it shouldn’t be, you deserve _better._

_if he wanted better he would go try and find it. but jaemin does not want better or perfect or anything that isn’t the man standing in front of him._

“this is so unfair.” jaemin lets out as another tear slips past his swollen eyes. 

“come here, jaemin.” johnny sighs and before jaemin has time to answer, he’s being tugged towards johnny, engulfed in his arms and pressed against his chest. 

jaemin breathes in deeply, nuzzling his head into the fabric of johnnys hoodie. he’s hypnotized by the older, his form glowing under the small light in the corner of the room. 

“i love you.” he hears from above him, johnny’s chin resting on the top of jaemins head. “i love you so much and i was so scared to admit it to myself, and to you. ill try, baby, ill try for you.”

jaemin squeezes his eyes shut, letting johnny hold him even tighter. 

and when johnny pulls away he is overwhelmed by the sight. jaemin is so beautiful, flushed face and swollen lips. even when he’s been crying for days and his hair is tussled and dry, when he looks so exhausted that he can barely stand on his own. he’s gorgeous in the dark, gorgeous in johnny’s arms and under his gaze. johnny takes it in, dwells in it like it’s sugar, he lets his mind wander to places he rarely goes. indulging in the pictures of jaemin in his phone, in his mind, his entire existence revolving around the younger. 

johnny is so unworthy of it. and he searches for any sign of regret and hesitation in jaemins eyes as he leans closer. 

“can i kiss you.” johnny whispers. “let me have this, please.”

 _“yes.”_ jaemin exhales, “yes, hyung. kiss me.”

johnny surges forward, his hands pulling jaemin into him by waist. the enthusiasm taking jaemin by surprise as he opens his mouth and draws a groan out of johnny. 

johnny works his hands underneath the hem of jaemin’s coat, fingertips pressing against the warm skin at his lower back and sides. it sends bubbles of electricity down his spine, a whimper escaping his throat as johnny’s tongue pushes past his lips.

jaemin feels like he might die, his veins boiling after johnny smooths his hands over his waist. he gasps into the olders mouth, silently begging johnny do to _anything. to take him._

johnny kisses him like that, possessively as greed takes up whatever space is left between them. as if johnny was making up for lost time, an apology on his lips the way he sucks on jaemin’s bottom one, condemning him of own his sins.

jaemins knuckles are white from how hard he grips the front of johnnys shirt, as if he were to pull away and leave jaemin forever if he let go. he moans, again and again, as johnny takes and gives and practically devours jaemins entire being. jaemin kisses back hard, and when he slips his own hands under johnny’s hoodie, pressing into his abs, johnny bites his lip into his mouth. 

“not _here_ baby.” he tells jaemin, pecking his lower lip once again, another apology. 

“i just, please let me,” he begs back, exasperated and needy. 

and johnny finds himself weakening under the gaze of jaemin as the younger sinks to his knees without permission. he only has so much self control, and the way jaemin looks up at him as his fingers work the front of his pants open has him hardening already. 

“christ.” johnny curses, threading his finger through jaemin’s dark hair, urging him closer. “you’re so _bad_ , jaemin.”

and jaemin wouldn’t want to be anything else. he wants to be bad, and good and everything in between that he knows makes johnny go _wild_. 

he takes his time, but is rough with it in a way johnny has never experienced. the younger moans around his cock when he finally gets it into his mouth, slow and steady as he sucks him off. he’s nasty though, letting spit fall down his chin and the sides of Johnny’s length, whimpering hard when johnny tugs his scalp and praises him, urging him to keep going. 

the sounds are disgusting, and johnny wonders what the others would think if they knew what was going on. if they saw jaemin like this, on his knees, lips stretched over the base of his cock, begging to for his throat to be fucked. 

johnny does just that, after jaemin starts getting tired and loses focus. the older grabs him by the back of his head, forcing him down until jaemin _chokes_ on it, gasping for air. 

jaemin blinks the tears from his eyes, his throat burning as johnny coos, wiping them and pressing his thumb past jaemins lips, cupping his jaw. 

“so pretty.” johnny hums, eyes droopy and dark, gazed over with pleasure as he sits on the brink of an orgasm. his cock in jaemins hands as the younger looks up, sucking johnny’s finger further into his mouth. 

“gonna make me come.” he says, pressing down on jaemins bottom row of teeth, tilting his head more. “fucking gorgeous like this, jaem.”

“come on my face, hyung.” he mumbles, voice raspy from the abuse. “want it on my face, please.”

“where did you learn to talk like that.” johnny chuckles, wrapping his hand around his cock and bringing it back up to jaemins lip.

“learned it from you.” he says before opening his mouth again, letting johnny’s cock slide down his throat easily. 

it only takes a few more minutes until johnny is moaning, pulling out of jaemin’s mouth to shoot onto the flushed skin of his cheeks and lips. the way jaemin smiles at up at him, letting his come drip down his chin until his tongue flicks out to collect it back into his mouth—it’s utterly obscene. 

—-

it’s when johnny grabs jaemin by the arm and pulls him back up, whispering into his ear how good he made him feel, how good he is to johnny—that jaemin finally lets himself breathe. he relaxes for the first time in months as johnny cards through his hair, as he praises him and showers him in love, kissing the bruises on his neck and pressing more into his sides.

his mind wanders and he lets it because this is all he has anymore. the only thing he wills himself to love is standing in front of him, holding him up and if johnny were to let go now, he’s sure he would die. he would wither away into something meaningless. 

and maybe, jaemin finds peace in the idea that johnny has completely ruined him. because even if he is ruined, or imperfect, or if everyone is telling him to stop and the world is telling him he is not good enough, will never be good enough. it’s johnny who changes that. 

it’s johnny who loves him and it’s johnny who worships him. who tells him that he’s perfect even when jaemin _knows_ he is anything but. 

johnny is the center of his earth and the reason he lives. and he knows it sounds crazy, it’s impossible and it’s insane, but he cannot find it in him to care. because without johnny he is nothing. 

with johnny he is nothing, but johnny tells him he is everything. and jaemin believes it _all._

**Author's Note:**

> this is angstier than i intended but i don’t regret it.
> 
> title from THE frank ocean. everyone say thank you, God. if u liked this pls comment and give it a kudos it means the world to me!!!!! thank u ily <3


End file.
